19 January 2012

SOPA - beginning of the splinternet?

I don't contribute to wikipedia. I don't write FAQs and i don't post footage of my unrivalled gaming prowess on YOUTUBE, but god help you if you take away my right to do all of the above dammit.

SOPA could potentially put an end to all of that. Want to write a scene by scene analysis of Jim Careys latest ill advised foray into meaningful acting? You d better get expressed written consent from James himself or face a potential lawsuit and the site you posted it on removed from the internet. Yep, If SOPA gets the a-ok from congress then yes, it will seriously dent the piracy practices that have plagued the internet, but it will seriously infringe on the basic rights regarding freedom of speech and expression of opinions online.

Oh, and piracy existed way before the internet beeped its way into existance (knock off VHS tapes from Wass' market anyone?) so the only thing its gonna lead to is a fractured, censored internet for the masses, all in the name of a few quid for hollywood types.

Say no to SOPA!

15 January 2012

How to survive impending doom

It’s a tough world out there and it’s only going to get tougher in 2012 if the Mayans are proved correct (the civilisation, not the biker gang from TV’s fictional and not at all in any way gay biker soap Sons of Anarchy). Forget Y2K and the threat of late 90’s P.C’s launching IBM's  for kicks the world is definitely going to go to hell in a handcart sometime in the next 12 months. So pack your moisturiser  and facial scrub in your man bag and break out the nun chucks, fleshless mutant zombie bitches from hell don’t care if you lotion twice daily.

How to survive the Apocalypse:

Lesson 1 – Buy an Armageddon proof hangout
Lets face it, most of you reading this have no discernible talent or have offered much in the way of forwarding mankind and are therefore probably pretty skint. This lesson is not for you. If however you have led a successful and productive life, or are considered a celebrity deemed significant enough to contribute to the rebuilding of society  you may wish to consider your own nuke proof crib.


                                 Pictured:  Example of a celebrity not deemed significant in any way shape or form

 For a mere $50,000 US dollars you could book your own slot and live in relative luxury as the Four Horsemen lay waste to all and sundry on the surface above.


Sure most of humanity will be dying a slow agonising death from radiation poisoning/alien enslaving or Swine Flu, but there’ll be at least three feet of solid steel between you and them to muffle their anguished cries for help.

Lesson 2 – Join a club

Lets say you survived "the event" by courageously hiding in your nans old Creda fridge freezer a'la Indiana Jones (thanks Lucas for taking a childhood hero and filming him wading through horseshit for 120 minutes and releasing it onto an expectant audience) so what next?


            What every kid wants for Christmas, an action figure of a weary old Hollywood icon hiding in your larder...


From Mad Max to Fallout popular culture has already decided that bandits will run riot across the countryside stealing bottles of water, murdering good farmer types and do nutting wildly whenever the terrain permits.


               As you can see this guy has already put in a few bucks to get his bandit look sorted ready for the big day
There are a few drawbacks to joining your local branch of bandits aside from the bound to be hilariously embarrassing and not to mention pain full and potentially scaring initiation. Leather attire and copious amounts of studs are this nuclear winters must have. Nothing says I can lead humanity to a safer, enlightened future than a gimp mask adorned with metal spikes

Then there's the high mortality rate as bandit members are prone to becoming bullet magnets for any Dudley do gooders out there who wish to protect the local women from your clans somewhat forward advances. If you are still interested theres always the off chance that a fallen siren from before the shit hit happens to be your local branch's senior rep.


                                                                                   Sign me up!

Lesson 3 – Stand your ground
So prancing around in leather with Tina Turner calling the shot isn't your thing and you wish to go it alone, well you better learn to how to man up! If its not the S&M bandit gangs trying to flay you alive, or the totalitarian and extremely brutal fascist authority kicking sand in your face, the mutants are bound to get you.


                                                          Oh my god it's a mutant David Gest!...oh...wait...


So as legendary hard man Billy Ocean once said "When the going get tough, the tough get going" (incidentally that's my current ring tone, just a side note...) and this guys got you covered for all you confrontational needs.


                             Not sure how many bars will be left standing after the Apocalypse but here it is (just in case)

Lesson 4 – Run bitch run!

If you are more a "put down that rusty chainsaw and lets sit down and talk this out" kind of guy, this approach may increase your odds of survival a tad.


    The infants laughter only confirms the respect that using the technique described above will earn you if put into practice
If in doubt make like a tree and "leaf". (I had to put one pun related joke in this article, all bases covered then but even so...sorry).


Lesson 5 – Don’t be afraid to try new things
I won't dress this up people, food is gonna be short come doomsday. There's a limited shelf life even for Pot Noodles. Theres gonna come a time when all that's left to eat are the following items:

                                                                        They say its meat in a can(?)

                                                                                        Spam

       Admittedly harsh but they cant fight, they sure as hell cant run so what you gonna do? (ever see a fat guy in the Book of Eli or Borderlands?)

I know it seems harsh now, but when all the KFC and Wimpy are gone, where else are you gonna get your meat fix? Survival of the fittest people, these are the kind of thing you need to overcome in order to...

Lesson 6 - Repopulate
Its not all doom and gloom post Armageddon, sure most of humanity are either dead, undead, rampaging across the countryside clad in leather or have been eaten by yourself, but we were put on this rock to do one thing and one thing only - get it on with the ladies. (or men, but for the purpose of this lesson we'll stick to women).
In order to build a better future you need to get your weapon out and start meeting hot lady survivors. Then get down n jiggy. In this brave new world you are free to sow your seed, so sow until your seed is spent, then sow some more anyhow, you'll be a hero, and you'll be getting way more sex with random women than you ever did before when you worked you 7-3 shift at Subway.

                                                                      Unless of course you are this guy.

12 January 2012

Dis-connected



Advances in technology have made global communication an almost instant affair. I can text, email, Skype or facetime anyone in my contacts list. I can also IM anyone who has accepted my friends request on facebook.

Does it make it easier to talk? Does it make it easier to feel you belong? A computer monitor or smartphone screen will never be an adequate replacement to eye contact. Indeed body language speaks more clearly than any email or video call ever will. We take over 80% of information garnered from a conversation from body language alone.

As for a sense of belonging, a shared view or opinion will go so far as to reassure your place as part of the online masses. Sometimes though, all these potential avenues for communication and expansive friends lists can make one feel all the more isolated. Its almost as though there is a whirlwind of chatter and social interaction available at the touch of a button, but you are in the eye of the storm where the silence is deafening, patiently awaiting a lull at which to reach out and enter the maelstrom of status updates/ private messages and virtual Mingling once more.

Or maybe thats just me.

D.

1 January 2012

You've been streamed!

Happy new year readers!

Welcome to the first of a (semi) regular series of posts featuring the best vids I ve (and indeed you the reader - more on that later ) come across on Noob-Toob. Yes. I realise its hardly the most ground-breaking of concepts, but the way I figure it is if that skinny jeans wearing tosser on channel 4 can do it then so can I!

Todays common theme is Street fighter 2. (Oh year i forgot to mention there will be connection between all the vids, the fun comes from spotting why...oh joy...)

Up first is one of my favourite vids of last year. All bullies should be dealt this way. Period.

                                                                            K.O.

Next up is one Jen found yesterday, it does exactly what it says on the tin. Oh and if you can spot the SF2 connection in this vid you are almost as 'core as I am.


If this happend to your own children it wouldnt' be half as funny


Lastly, you have to hand it to this guy, probably because he 'd just take it from you with a flying elbow if you didn't...

          
The car scrappage scheme in japan was a little more labour intensive than here in the uk...

Thats it for this entry, feel free to recommend some vids to be featured (keep em clean sogz)

D