15 January 2012

How to survive impending doom

It’s a tough world out there and it’s only going to get tougher in 2012 if the Mayans are proved correct (the civilisation, not the biker gang from TV’s fictional and not at all in any way gay biker soap Sons of Anarchy). Forget Y2K and the threat of late 90’s P.C’s launching IBM's  for kicks the world is definitely going to go to hell in a handcart sometime in the next 12 months. So pack your moisturiser  and facial scrub in your man bag and break out the nun chucks, fleshless mutant zombie bitches from hell don’t care if you lotion twice daily.

How to survive the Apocalypse:

Lesson 1 – Buy an Armageddon proof hangout
Lets face it, most of you reading this have no discernible talent or have offered much in the way of forwarding mankind and are therefore probably pretty skint. This lesson is not for you. If however you have led a successful and productive life, or are considered a celebrity deemed significant enough to contribute to the rebuilding of society  you may wish to consider your own nuke proof crib.

                                 Pictured:  Example of a celebrity not deemed significant in any way shape or form

 For a mere $50,000 US dollars you could book your own slot and live in relative luxury as the Four Horsemen lay waste to all and sundry on the surface above.

Sure most of humanity will be dying a slow agonising death from radiation poisoning/alien enslaving or Swine Flu, but there’ll be at least three feet of solid steel between you and them to muffle their anguished cries for help.

Lesson 2 – Join a club

Lets say you survived "the event" by courageously hiding in your nans old Creda fridge freezer a'la Indiana Jones (thanks Lucas for taking a childhood hero and filming him wading through horseshit for 120 minutes and releasing it onto an expectant audience) so what next?

            What every kid wants for Christmas, an action figure of a weary old Hollywood icon hiding in your larder...

From Mad Max to Fallout popular culture has already decided that bandits will run riot across the countryside stealing bottles of water, murdering good farmer types and do nutting wildly whenever the terrain permits.

               As you can see this guy has already put in a few bucks to get his bandit look sorted ready for the big day
There are a few drawbacks to joining your local branch of bandits aside from the bound to be hilariously embarrassing and not to mention pain full and potentially scaring initiation. Leather attire and copious amounts of studs are this nuclear winters must have. Nothing says I can lead humanity to a safer, enlightened future than a gimp mask adorned with metal spikes

Then there's the high mortality rate as bandit members are prone to becoming bullet magnets for any Dudley do gooders out there who wish to protect the local women from your clans somewhat forward advances. If you are still interested theres always the off chance that a fallen siren from before the shit hit happens to be your local branch's senior rep.

                                                                                   Sign me up!

Lesson 3 – Stand your ground
So prancing around in leather with Tina Turner calling the shot isn't your thing and you wish to go it alone, well you better learn to how to man up! If its not the S&M bandit gangs trying to flay you alive, or the totalitarian and extremely brutal fascist authority kicking sand in your face, the mutants are bound to get you.

                                                          Oh my god it's a mutant David Gest!...oh...wait...

So as legendary hard man Billy Ocean once said "When the going get tough, the tough get going" (incidentally that's my current ring tone, just a side note...) and this guys got you covered for all you confrontational needs.

                             Not sure how many bars will be left standing after the Apocalypse but here it is (just in case)

Lesson 4 – Run bitch run!

If you are more a "put down that rusty chainsaw and lets sit down and talk this out" kind of guy, this approach may increase your odds of survival a tad.

    The infants laughter only confirms the respect that using the technique described above will earn you if put into practice
If in doubt make like a tree and "leaf". (I had to put one pun related joke in this article, all bases covered then but even so...sorry).

Lesson 5 – Don’t be afraid to try new things
I won't dress this up people, food is gonna be short come doomsday. There's a limited shelf life even for Pot Noodles. Theres gonna come a time when all that's left to eat are the following items:

                                                                        They say its meat in a can(?)


       Admittedly harsh but they cant fight, they sure as hell cant run so what you gonna do? (ever see a fat guy in the Book of Eli or Borderlands?)

I know it seems harsh now, but when all the KFC and Wimpy are gone, where else are you gonna get your meat fix? Survival of the fittest people, these are the kind of thing you need to overcome in order to...

Lesson 6 - Repopulate
Its not all doom and gloom post Armageddon, sure most of humanity are either dead, undead, rampaging across the countryside clad in leather or have been eaten by yourself, but we were put on this rock to do one thing and one thing only - get it on with the ladies. (or men, but for the purpose of this lesson we'll stick to women).
In order to build a better future you need to get your weapon out and start meeting hot lady survivors. Then get down n jiggy. In this brave new world you are free to sow your seed, so sow until your seed is spent, then sow some more anyhow, you'll be a hero, and you'll be getting way more sex with random women than you ever did before when you worked you 7-3 shift at Subway.

                                                                      Unless of course you are this guy.

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