20 February 2012

Lord of the Fanboys

Fan boy (Fan-boi) - displaying of unwavering belief that a product/brand/team/space captain is superior to all other identical product/brand/team/space captain. Beyond fanatical, a fan boy backs up said claims with nonsensical mutterings, personal insults and generally poor hygiene.

                         Fan boys like to be pictured representing their particular cause no matter how distasteful

PC or mac? Oasis or Blur? Kirk or Picard? If you answered any of those questions with an elevated pulse rate, a cold clammy sweat or an erection you my friend are a fan boy. (fan girls do not exist, to argue one is better than a comparative similar requires a small amount of testosterone and a large amount of social inadequacy).

Take for example the Star Trek/Star Wars divide. Both are science fiction franchises, both set in space, feature a fleet of spaceships and crappy alien outfits bought from JTF. Some prefer Star Wars, some others Star Trek, whilst most normal folk see them for the poorly plotted, appallingly scripted plagiarising merchandise flogging cinema excrement they really are.


       Pictured - An entirely well tought out and highly developed charcater that is in no way a Jamican racial stereotype

Fan boys however tool up with the small differences between each and wage war on forums worldwide. Star Wars has light sabres squeaks HandSOLO69, Star Trek has Teleporters counters Scottie2bridge. What about Ewoks pipes LeiaLoVeR? We ve got Klingons and Mr Fuckin Spock is KirksB!TCH's  retort. And on and on it rages. Forums are no place for the causal fan. Every member reckons he's the biggest swinging dick in town with nary a scene missed or a continuity error not researched and readied to counter. Clearly an excellent use of free time all round.

                                                                             Fit

Scoff as we may at these malnourished loners, great power lies within. For when they gather in great numbers insignificant events can indeed occur.

Remember the "Wispa", a chocolate bar compromised 50% ingredients 50% fresh air and a full rrp of 60p thank you very much Cadburys! It was the bar nobody missed and fan power brought it kicking and screaming back to the shelves.

Square Enix were so tired of getting envelopes full of jizzy tissues addressed to Cloud Strife at their offices they went and made a movie about Final Fantasy 7. The mere mention of a possible next gen remake of the PlayStation One classic is enough to make some grown men sob tears of joy and tops most fan boys (wet) dream list.


Fitter. Apparantly.

Oh, and dont think music is too cool to be a target for fanboyism. Ageing broke rockers Marillion asked Internet headbangers to fly them to The US for a few gigs, and fund the next couple of albums. The result? Fan boys everywhere sifting through their Rush wallets ignoring that out of date condom they picked up at biology class one summer, and throwing used banknotes at their monitor screens.
                  Please take all of my money, I dont need it to take girls out, buy deodourant or anything like that!

So while fanboyism can become something of a license to print money, there is a more serious side to this modern affliction. I like many others no less, lost a friend to the 360/PS3 wars recently. We'd been comrades for nigh on five years, but after one too many HD-DVD jokes he removed me from his face book friends list.
                                                The floating head is Wozzer, I miss you man...

As in any war, casualties are inevitable. The lack of informed opinion and a slow to middling social life are a breeding ground for fanboyism. Though there may not be any one true answer, in the end are we not all striving towards the same goal? To live good honest lives? Treat others how we would expect to be treated ourselves? Own an iphone 4S as it clearly beats the snot outta Android all day long smart phone wannabe losers!

12 February 2012

Its a game of many halves...

Whilst taking a break from the heady world of final billing the other day, a friend of mine asked why i was pondering over my iPhone with such a serious expression upon my face.

"Football manager 2012" i mumbled without glancing up.

"oh" he replied, himself a seasoned gamer, "never really got into those types of games, they bore me".

Coming from a man who's all time gaming hero is Dizzy the rolling egg, this got me thinking. Why do many of us pour hours of our precious spare time into nothing more than a prettier version of excel loaded with football related stats? Why when Kenwyne jones netted a 92nd winner against Blackburn on that same work break did I practically jump out if my seat and do a lap of honour around the office?

Its true that look wise, football management sims are a bit of a booter. They aren't programmed to compete with big budget games such as Call of Duty and there army of copycat clones. No the draw is the "what ifs" the game presents.

What if Sidibe really is a goal machine and Pulis never gave him a chance? Would i give him a starting role?

What if Tevez was homesick and misunderstood and was sorry for refusing to play, would i play him again?

What if Suarez wasn't really a racist tosser, would I fine him and get rid asap? You damn right!

Giving joe average the chance to go from the stands to the dugout, playing with real up to date teams in real fixtures and making the decisions you think the real club managers should of, thats where the draw is.

The power of imagination fills any graphical shortfalls, reading the commentary I can picture every pin point pass, every crunching tackle, every Sidibe miss kick. Some liken it to listening to a game on the radio.

So the presentation may be workmanlike, the gameplay consisting of the occasional mouse click but I guarantee you will never get as involved and feel as rewarded in any other genre of video game, after all what beats stuffing the filth in their own ground with a team you built with free transfers and mis fit players!