27 March 2012

Part 2 - These things that I have done...

In my younger and more formative years I was not so much the straight edged and honourable type that I am today. For sometimes the Devil would perch upon my shoulder and his tantalising suggestions would to some degree sometimes be acted upon.

My latest plea for absolution concerns a young devout Catholic girl I knew a number of years ago ( the males reading this may have an idea of where this story is going already). No names will be used in this confession.

I had seen her around the office numerous times, she was well spoken, polite and highly thought of by her colleagues. She also came from a strict religious background which taught from the book of "no shenanigans" before marriage.

My interest immediately heightened.

After finding out her name and her very much single status I began to pursue her in the hope of well, lets just say abandoning her celibacy for days and nights of untold carnal passion. Oh, and I was to inform my friends daily of any progress as they believed this flower of virtue would resist all my efforts and remain pure and untainted.

Without revealing my tried and tested courtship techniques, we were heading in the general direction if forbidden lust, she knew, i knew it and all my workmates knew it (once again I must state how deeply I regret this behaviour). At times I was painfully close, yet she would always retreat behind a smile and drive off into the night still on heavens guest list.

Then one night, she turned up on
My doorstep in tears, like some kind of under-sexed shark I saw this was my chance. The lights got dipped, soft music played and cheap wine flowed. We talked, she cried, I cried (probably) as I talked her into getting back with her ex. She promptly did andThey were very happy.

Me, well i had failed in my venture, and to be honest I think I did the right thing in the end.

However my initial efforts to defile her based on the fact she was pretty much unattainable is where my present guilt is based.

For this I ask forgiveness...

22 March 2012

Studley Buffout - the one man band of blogging: These things that I have done (but wish I hadn't)

Studley Buffout - the one man band of blogging: These things that I have done (but wish I hadn't): This will be a semi regular column that gets updated whenever a pang of guilt tugs at my conscience. Maybe its a cheap way if gaining some k...

These things that I have done (but wish I hadn't)

This will be a semi regular column that gets updated whenever a pang of guilt tugs at my conscience. Maybe its a cheap way if gaining some kind of absolution, maybe its to make you all feel a little better about yourselves and get a laugh or two at my expense. Anyway, here goes...

Lord of the land or patronising cave man?

It was a couple of winters ago, a real cold snap had taken hold of the area and the weekly shop was the last thing I wanted to leave the warmth of my house for. So, like a real winner I ordered it online to be delivered to the doorstep at my convenience

It had snowed hard the day before and plummeting temperatures that night had turned the outdoors into an ice rink. Of course I had no need to fear, I wasn't about to set foot outside anytime soon!

The delivery van pulled up and I opened the door expectantly only to see a small figure wrapped in thick company provided outdoorwear struggling up the driveway with a crate full of beer and pickled onions (never let it be said i dont know how to live!)

After what seemed like an eternity watching him slip and slide his way towards my door I stepped back making way for the obviously heavy crate to be placed at my feet.

"cheers mate" I offered in a half assed way of showing appreciation.

Looking up from the delivery I was horrified to see a young girl, probably fresh out of college looking at me with a polite but ultimately blank smile. Yes, shes thinking 'what a dickhead'

Before i can muster an apology she turns and trudges back to the van to collect the rest of my order. Now not only have a commited a social faux par
by assuming she was indeed a he, do i now go and offer help and appear a sexist pig also because surely in this day and age a woman cannot do a mans job? Or do i stand idol-like and watch her struggle and trip her way through the delivery in the vain attempt to restore some kind of dignity to the proceedings, but feel like an asshole for not offering to help?

What would you do?

Yep, I stood there like sn inconsiderate prick and left her to struggle on alone.

For this I ask forgiveness.