27 May 2012

Communal Heart bypass

My grans old house was situated slat bang in the centre of Uttoxeter. If you left the property from the back and walked down to the bottom of the garage access road on your left lay a cattle grid and one of the entrances to the cattle market.

Crossing the grid and ignoring the warnings about getting your leg trapped and therefore amputated (thanks for that Dad) you were transported into a living, breathing piece of history. A dusty stone based car park gave way to a series of cattle holds, sheep on your right, cows and bulls further down on your left past the auction house from which a constant babble of rapid incoherences contiunally streamed through a tinny PA system. I heard one time a bull had escaped and ran amok, so a walk through the cattle market to shop at Woolworths (another dynasty gone) was met with some trepidation. Just in case it happened again I had my own escape plan which involved climbing on one of the fences and hanging on for dear life.

There was a small pub that only opened on market days sat just behind the sheep pens, we went in once. It was full of sullen, rosey cheeked green wellington wearing folk and a heady mix of Sunday Dinner, wax jackets and manure hung in air. A fragrance I can still seemingly recall at will, and a fragrance that strangely I miss.

There were a few other buildings, a small bargain type shop and a food outlet perhaps, I forget.

Its a housing estate now, little if any evidence remains as to its former standing in the town. I was speaking to a relative recently and he remarked at what a shell of a town Uttoxeter had become. At first I did not think it a fair assessment, plenty of new builds, a retail park comprising all the big outlet chains, modern cinema and bowling facilities same as any other middling to large town.

Same as any other.

And he was right. The cattle market may not of been progressive, or a desirable asset to consider moving into a town for, but it was the heart of the town, and the heart of the local farming community. Sure at the time my naivity led me to believe the farmers were buying and selling cattle to each other as a kind of Swap meet, and the grim truth was best left hidden from my young mind. Sure those surely portly types never uttered a word to us town folk passing through, or even to each other but that sun baked manure drenched Saturday afternoon was a part of English Culture that has sadly faded into memory. I for one miss those days, childishly thinking they would be around forever, and am glad to hear I am not alone.

19 May 2012

Wedding jitters

Its May 19th, our Wedding date is August 5th and the nerves are setting in rather early if you ask me.

I ve had a turbulent build up in that I have experienced the full range of human emotions leading up to the big day. It started with denial, then there was fear. Following that was reluctant acceptance, a little more fear and then finally joy as I begin looking forward to it...in a butt clenching kind if way.

Now its not that I don't love my fiancé, shes the world and more to me, its just that being the centre if attention isn't really something I enjoy. I hope that the supporting cast will play its part and help us both to enjoy the day to its fullest.

The organisation of the day has been mostly undertaken by Jenni, for this I am truly grateful as I know my feeble brain would implode trying to undertake the task.

So, here I am, x amount of days till the event and the dreams of me being late, caught up in car crashes and other delights my subconscious has cooked up for me has begun. Yes its down to nerves, but I know I will be there by her side on the day come hell or high-water. Or crap drivers.


10 May 2012

Weatherers theory of shagabilty

L= {p x a}Fb

answer on a scale of 1 - 1000 the higher the figure The more certain the lay!

Percentage of lay equals (L) amount of time spent in close proximity (p) multiplied by amount of alcohol consumed (a) multiplied by amount of men hating status' posted on facebook in the week prior (Fb).

DISCLAIMER: not guaranteed to get results 100% of the time.

Redundant on men and alcoholics.