20 June 2012

Fifty shades of Clay

                                               Fifty Shades of Clay – by Dan Weatherer


Bernard sat hunched on the brown tan leather sofa; half a cigarette hung from his lips and an empty can of Skol occupied his right hand. A bag of chips sat cooling on the coffee table in front of him; he needed to eat a few more as he was sure he was going to need all of his strength. She would be here in a moment, after all Bentilee was only a short bus ride away.

The silence was broken by a polyphonic rendition of the Tom Jones classic “Delilah”. That must be her he thought gathering himself. Anna-Stayz-ere was at his front door.

“Ay up mate, you Mr P?”

Bernard stood for a moment, she wasn’t exactly the way she had described herself in the online correspondence they had entered into since she replied to his gumtree ad in the personals section. She was wearing a Pauls Boutique T-shirt that struggled to contain her considerable midriff, her hair was pulled back into a tight greasy ponytail and hooped ring pierced the left side of her top lip. Still she had turned up and if she was as willing as she had made out to be it could still be a good night.

“Arr, I am duck, come in, it’s frozen out”.

She took a long swig from the extra-large WKD bottle she was holding and edged past him into the sitting room.

“Sit down love” he motioned to the space on the sofa next to him, “you err…Anna then?”

“Yeah Mr P” she smiled, flirtatiously blowing a bubble with her gum, “but you can call me Sandra”

“Sandra, you fancy a can, I’ve got another four pack in fridge it’s no bother”

“No ta” she took another long gulp from the rapidly emptying bottle.

Bernie leaned in closer to her.

“So err you said in your email that you were, you know, erm…a virgin…”

A spray of blue liquid landed on his face as Sandra burst into laughter.

“Well, once upon a time arr, look does it matter Bern?”

“I suppose not” he nodded towards the door at the end of the room mischievously: “You ready to see the playroom?” he asked noticeably excited.

“The red room of pain? Sure thing” she said following after him.

“Aye, it’s a room full of hurt, its been a rough road over the years but we doing ok these days duck”

He threw the door open theatrically, the walls were adorned with red and white paint running vertically; there were flags in each corner of the room. A white bench took centre place with what looked like a roll of turf lying against the wall beneath the blacked out window.

“I’m just gonna slip into something more comfortable” winked Bernie, “I wunna be long duck” and he closed the door behind him.

Sandra looked around somewhat puzzled. Bernie had stated he was looking for a partner to role play with in his ad, someone adventurous and willing to be submissive. This was unlike any set up she had seen before. She took the flask of vodka from her handbag and took a gulp.

At that moment the door flung open. Bernie stood decked out in a full tracksuit, baseball cap pearched atop of his head.“Come ere love, Bernies gonna show you how good he is in the box, oh and call me Mr Pulis”.


17 June 2012

Weatherer - I'd join Potters

A number of Premier League clubs were hopefully put on alert last night when Fomer F.C. Mankini wide man Dan Weatherer ended his self exposed exile from the beautiful game.

In a tweet to his mum he announced his intentions for the coming season:

"yeah I'm feeling good. I ve been watching a lot of the Euros and feel I ve still got plenty to offer. If Martin Kelly can get himself in the national side then why not come back? And I've got my own boots!"

With a record boasting no goals, no assists and a list of injuries as long as your arm recorded during F.C. Mankini's first and only ill fated season we caught up with Dan Weatherer at the Stoke City training complex where he was busy doing keep-uppys and passing out C.V's:

"Well obviously its been a few years since I last played competitively but I've looked after myself and feel fitter than ever"

"With Jermaines inconsistent form and off field antics I think I can offer Stoke an alternative down the right. I mean My mum doesn't like me going nightclubbing and I can't drive so, you know... No headline makers there!"

Stoke boss Pulis was unavailable for comment.

1 June 2012

Boldy going where no man has gone before...

If a man (or woman) had sex with an alien, would it be considered cheating?

Never let it be said I don't tackle the big questions head on.

My fiance says it would but I disagree.

Firstly, being very much alien means not of this world, or more importantly not of this species. My argument is that shagging an alien would be much like shagging a camel. Neither of you are the same species, neither of you are looking for commitment or have any emotion invested in the act and neither of you are going to get laid again anytime soon after this sorry affair.

Which brings me onto this next point. There is no guarantee the aliens in question have any form of capacity for emotion. Without that there is no love, hate anger or lust. The act of pro-creation, to them may be about as relevant as a handshake or a friendly pat on the shoulder is to us.

There is also no guarantee that when the space faring  nymphosfinally  introduce themselves, that they have any physical means of getting down and dirty with us human folk.

However let it be known that I intend to be the first man to have sex with an alien.

Its not cheating, hell I'd be doing my part for intergalatic relations. I'd be sort of ambassador stud and no doubt hero to net nerds everywhere!

Kirk would be proud.