29 August 2012

The Suit is a lie

What goes through your mind when you see a man in a suit?

Bear with me.

Do you think: 'now theres a respectable chap, smart, clean shaved, drives a hybrid. Sure I'd trust him with my bank account/mortgage/young hot wife'.

Well look closer at the streaky tanned face. Notice those weathered wrinkles cutting rutts deep into the forehead. The over zealous use of product on rapidly thinning hair. Drink in the desperation eeking from those devious black ringed, pits of dispair we call eyes.

Thats what I see when a suit enters my field of vision.

                                                         Each more douschier than the last...

Now my bitterness is not misplaced due to losing my life savings in a pyramid scheme (not in this instance at least) it stems more from the fact that as a society we assume wearing a suit makes an individual somewhat trustworthy,that it carries an air of professionalism and (chortle) implies they know exactly what they are doing! This is of course nonsense.

                               Pictured: The one and only time I will make a political joke. This isn't BBC 2

Put a spotty McDonalds drive thru attendant in a Boss slim fitted suit and suddenly do his pronunciation, service skills and level of personal hygiene drastically improve? Dress a bin man in Calvin Kliens latest power suit and do the streets gleam and your recycling bins smell of new born babies?

Of course not. You still get lukewarm spit drenched Big Macs and bins that reek of a soiled tramp on a summers day.

So don't be taken in by the suit. Like momma always said:

"you can put a turd in a suit, but it'll always be a turd".

22 August 2012

Danny 'Doc' Challinor - Magic Man

Danny has been a friend of the family for a number of years now. Professional, humorous, entertaining, these are all words I would not use to describe 'Docs' store bought interpretation of the school of magic.

Pictured: Dans entire routine.

Of course I kid! The guys close up magic is the stuff of witch-craft, every time I see a new trick of his I'm left scratching my head and reaching for the crucifix.

                                                             Looking sort of like this...

He performed for us at our wedding as a gift, and every single person who had the pleasure of witnessing one of his many tricks ended up seriously impressed and wanted to see more. He made himself constantly available, performed for both impatient children and beered up adults alike. He became a major talking point and will be a fondly remembered part of our day with many of the guests

I know he has put many hours into perfecting his art, if any guy deserves to make it big as a professional magician its Dan, and I'm sure all his dedication and passion for the craft will pay off. He's a genuine, nice funny guy and in my opinion his card abilities are easily on par with a certain magician who has his own TV show on watch.

If Dan ever wants an official fan-club, bagsy club president right here!

Here's a link to his site, he aims to list all his upcoming gigs so you can catch him live or book him for a private function!


17 August 2012

Criticus - The Dark Knight Rises

As a self committed Bat-fan I figure the die hards are the hardest to impress. After the sensational portrayal of @the Joker" by the late Heath Ledger and a masterful set up for the third and final film of Nolans reboot the expectation for the last Bale outing as the Batman was high.

Well, it doesn't disappoint. Dwarfing the previous two movies in terms of scale and grandiose performances Bale plays a more real, sombre gritty Batman than before who relys not on gadgets and sleuthing but in sheer willpower and rage.

Perennial housewives favourite Tom Hardy cuts an imposing figure as Bane, and stands as a more physically imposing villain than we have seen previously (as in the comics), though a change to his mask and an odd voice do detract slightly from what is arguably the most Evil of foes Batman has yet faced on the big screen.

As for Selina Scott, well nolan never refers to her as "the catwoman" (though there are a few not so subtle hints) she was always going to be a tough character to pull off given her complicated relationship with Batman/Bruce Wayne and almost becomes a stereo typical partner and no more than that.

Oldman plays a weary Commissioner struggling to uphold the ideals the city of Gotham seems to of misplaced since the last film. Indeed Gotham is almost another character itself as it is tortured,beaten and bent by Banes insidious will, its citizens lost amongst the carnage looking for a light to follow.

Nolan's trilogy will rank amongst the best ever made. The message set out in the first is carried through to the credits of the last...even in the darkest hour there is hope.

I pity the director who takes up the reins on the next Bat Project as Nolan's vision of an ordinary man driven to extraordinary feats will be nigh on impossible to match.

An excellent film, highly recommended.

12 August 2012

Marriage- One week on...

God bless the British sense if formality, as even though Jen and I have lived together over five years the question we have heard most this week is:

"so hows married life?".

Well, after recovering from an amazing day, life settled quickly back into routine. Toddlers returned to behaving like toddlers with all the stresses they bring. The days until payday began to be steadily counted down and a list of chores as long as your arm suddenly became the focus of attention rather than buttonholes and seating plans.

I always said to people don't get married, its such a hassle but my opinion has changed dramatically. Yes, its a huge pain in the ass to organise and no you cant please everyone...even with four deserts. However as an experience shared as a couple there is nothing to rival it.

One week on, For Jen it means a lot of paperwork. I would describe marriage as like the colour beige. At first its fresh and makes everything feel new, but it soon fades into the background and becomes the comforting canvas onto which you paint the rest of your lives.

4 August 2012

Journal of a pre wed man

The day before:


Awake feeling the warm sticky embrace of a rampant head cold. Throat feels like its full of gravel but may be because bride-to-be was sleep strangling. Again.

Flower girl has been awake on and off since about 2am. Stress levels in the pre marital home are climbing steadily...

No sign of breakfast. Hope this is not a indication of things to come...


Mcdonalds breakfast demolished, truly epic start to the day!

Last minute table plan alterations sent and resent to the venue. Speech notes checked.

Flower girl engrossed in cbeebies.

So far so Disco


Call from suit hire place to remind me the suits need collecting. Inform him I am well aware of this and my father and father in law are on route. This back and fourth continues for several minutes. I hang up doubting my grasp of the English language and my ability to speak out loud.

Flower girl continues her cartoon watching marathon


Steve informs me shirts are not pressed and I misheard the suit geezer. Mild panic sets in as I cannot iron.

Flower girl is playing cars on her mat.


Flower girl has fallen asleep and is snoring loudly.

Bride-to-be has gone for a spray tab.

I'm sat enjoying the quiet.


Sat alone in my hotel room. Pleasant enough but I didn't realise people still watched large box shaped tvs...

The room set up went fairly well. Everyone chipped in and Bethany enjoyed exploring her new playground.

I guess this is the moment of realisation. Nothing speaks louder than the four walls of a lonely hotel room. I already miss the hectic noisy existence that is life with a 2 year old. The next time I see Jenni and my beautiful baby girl they will be walking down the aisle to me.

I am a lucky man to be blessed this way and tomorrow my family becomes officially united.I hope I do not let them or anyone else down tomorrow after all the hard work that has gone into making our marriage a reality.

I'll sign off now a single lad, and see you all soon as a married man.

I love you Jennifer no-middle-name Green x